Friday, November 12, 2010

His mercies are new every morning

It was raining today, the kind of rain where the heavens open and pour down and the sky is so bleak you have to turn your headlights on at noon. Then suddenly about halfway through my day the sun broke through the clouds so bright I grabbed my sunglasses. I was coming to a stop light and I couldn't help just staring for a minute at that sun piercing through the clouds so brilliantly.

I have been through a few things in my life that have brought me to my knees. I won't go into detail here, but they were the kind of things that make you re evaluate everything you have ever known. They left me raw, bleeding and hurting so badly that I wanted to die. During those times it felt like a never ending rain. I wondered if the sun would ever shine again and felt so hollow walking around in a world full of people who seemed to have it all together. I envied them. I couldn't seem to do anything except make it through the day. You know those times? Everyone has probably at least had one.

Here is the awesome thing about Jesus. When you are going through those times you can stand on something even when you don't feel it's true. You can stand on his word that says “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him’. Lamentations 3:22-24. Sometimes it may feel like that's not true. The world will try to tell you it isn't. Especially when you are going through something beyond the depth of a trial like the tragedy of losing a loved one. The world will SCREAM it at you then, that He's NOT faithful, He isn't true, He doesn't care or he would have saved you the pain.

Can I talk about that pain? Before I start with mercy? It has made me who I am. Without that pain I don't know that I would have grown. I'm sure you've heard that before. I don't believe he causes the pain, I believe we live in a fallen, sinful world. When I look back I can see Him there, I can see Him SO clearly there with me while I was weeping that it's like a picture in my mind. I couldn't always feel Him when I walked through those things but He was there. You can believe this too, He was NOT up in Heaven pacing around at my distress. I believe he grieved with me but He was always the same. Thank you GOD for that! For your sameness. It's one of my favorite things about Him that makes me want to weep with joy when I think on it because it means no matter how out of control I feel HE never is. Let me tell you something "...because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed..." He will never let life consume us if we give Him our burden and open our heart to Him. And that brilliant sun? It will be there. His mercies are new every morning.

I see His hand so clearly when I think about my life as a whole. He has kept me from making so many stupid mistakes even when the door was WIDE open for me to make them, even when I never really had a reason for not doing them since I was lost. He put me with people who walked through the dark places with me and helped me come out on the other side of teenagerhood healthy and whole. He has blessed me with the most amazing husband in the world. Let me tell you about this guy for a minute. He is perfect for me. He sharpens me when I need it, loves me like I have never been loved by anyone other than Jesus and has this incredible patience with my craziness that has to come from the Lord! He carries the heavy things and lives every day of his life thinking about how to make my life and the lives of our children better. He is the best man I have ever known and my closest friend. Then there are my boys. My beautiful make-me-want-to-cry with happiness little guys. Jace who is my mini me, which most times that fact makes me crazy because in most ways he's...well me! He is amazing though that little guy, he is bold, has no trouble making his petitions KNOWN, doesn't let ANYONE stand in his way and has the sweetest softest heart. He is forever making me heart melt by randomly telling me he loves me. pure sweetness with a temper! Yes it's possible to be both those things. He is such a deep thinker even at 2 and loves on me and anyone else who is around him all day long. He is a funny, crazy smart, still-waters-run deep kinda guy with these huge chocolate eyes.

There are so many other blessings He has given me that I don't deserve (so many that it would make this very long if I listed them, the biggest not listed being my wonderful amazing friends, you know who you are!). Things that would NEVER have come to be if not for Him in my life.

I just want to leave you with this...please let Him be your strength, your portion. His love for you is so great and deep it can't ever be fully known on this earth with our finite minds. Believe in the sun even when you are standing in a darkness so deep you feel you will never come out of it. It will be there because of Him, and even if you don't know it in the midst of your sadness He is there too holding you and guiding you to a new morning where it will be shining so brightly you will need sunglasses :)

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I'm 8 weeks 3 DAYS!

It feels like such a victory! Lol...I know that sounds silly because I'm not really that far along but the days seem to be crrrraaaaawwwwllling by with such bad morning sickness. It seems a lot worse than with Jace this time but I think that is only because this time I have a two yr old to chase around! And yet I can't believe that in another 8 or 9 weeks we will know whether we are having a baby girl or baby boy! It's all worth it though and I am so so very glad God has blessed us with a second little miracle. Normally I worry so much about...everything! I have come across so many stories though of mothers who have lost thier little ones and while I believe with a FULL heart that this little one will be born perfectly healthy I want to treasure every moment I have with him/her. As sick as I am I feel like it is the greatest blessing ever to carry my children. There are so many who can't. I feel so completley happy that I can. Everyone is asking whether I want a little boy or girl and even though I am longing for a little girl, I would also be so completely estatic if this were to be a boy. I know that God has a prefect plan for our lives and that he is already creating this totally unique little human inside me that is being created just for us to love.

And our Jaceman is turning TWO in two days! I cannot believe it. TWO years since my baby came into this world. I love him so much. Mark and I look at him everyday and we can't believe he's ours. He's growing so big and doing so many things, he just amazes me. I still get lost in his baby blues and I treasure every moment I have spent with him. I don't regret for one single second being a stay at home mom. I don't feel like I have lost my dreams. My children are my greatest dream, my greatest hope is for them to grow up happy healthy LOVED and to know Jesus. If I can accomplish that in this life then I will consider myself VERY successful. Of course there are days when I feel stretched and challenged, and I have so many people saying we need more alone time...while I understand that I also understand my baby is not going to be a baby forever....he has already grown so much. We of course take the occasional break to keep from going crazy, but other than that we love being with him. He is wild, crazy and ALL boy ALL the time but I would'nt change him for the whole world.

I know this was a short blog but just wanted to chat a little about our kiddos! Hopefully I'll actually get this blog addy out so everyone can see it that cares to know! Lol...


Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Why is my blog called Carry?

Because He Carries me.

My Jesus has carried me through every storm, every trial, every moment of my life.

I just LOVE that definition "To hold or support while moving; bear." He always holds and supports me, bears my burdens. But he never stops moving forward. The Lord is change, life and life never stops growing and expanding, going forward. His Spirit is truely a mighty wind. But when the going forward is to hard, when I cannot face one more step he carries me. Like the footprints poem:

One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Scenes from his life flashed across the skyand he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,one belonging to him and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life had flashed before him,he recalled that at the lowest and saddest times of his lifethere was only one set of footprints.
Dismayed, he asked, "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,you'd walk with me all the way.I don't understand why, when I needed you most,you would leave me."

The Lord replied, "My precious child.I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and sufferingwhen you saw only one set of footprints...
That was when I carried you."

I look back on the times of my life before I knew Jesus, before I met him on that beach in Florida and I remember so many times of feeling so alone. But he was always there. His grace was there to carry me through. He has protected me SO MANY TIMES. Probably more than I will ever realize or know.

I just want to tremble and cry when I realize all those times. He has carried me, protected me. He has never let me stray far. My life could be an absolute disaster right now if the Lord hadnt protected me. But he did. Like I carry and protect my son with all thats within me, he does the same and He is FAR greater than I. I look and just see almost visibly His hand on my life SO many times.

I can't explain why but He has protected me so many times. It's a special hand on my life that is there, but there were times also when He just let me fall and just as in James when it says to praise Him for our trials I PRAISE Him. Those trials shaped my heart and the person I am today.

I just read a post on someone elses blog from a blogger who wanted to know how to know Jesus more. To me it's simple. Just let Him carry you. In general we are so afraid to be weak, to be innocent as a child. The world tells us to be tough and hard and protect ourselves. Loving God truely is the ultimate vulnerability. It is to forsake all our previous logic and just simply trust and open our hearts to Him. So if by chance you are reading this and you are wondering how...just remember...its as simple as opening your arms to Him and asking Him to carry you.