I have been through a few things in my life that have brought me to my knees. I won't go into detail here, but they were the kind of things that make you re evaluate everything you have ever known. They left me raw, bleeding and hurting so badly that I wanted to die. During those times it felt like a never ending rain. I wondered if the sun would ever shine again and felt so hollow walking around in a world full of people who seemed to have it all together. I envied them. I couldn't seem to do anything except make it through the day. You know those times? Everyone has probably at least had one.
Here is the awesome thing about Jesus. When you are going through those times you can stand on something even when you don't feel it's true. You can stand on his word that says “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him’. Lamentations 3:22-24. Sometimes it may feel like that's not true. The world will try to tell you it isn't. Especially when you are going through something beyond the depth of a trial like the tragedy of losing a loved one. The world will SCREAM it at you then, that He's NOT faithful, He isn't true, He doesn't care or he would have saved you the pain.
Can I talk about that pain? Before I start with mercy? It has made me who I am. Without that pain I don't know that I would have grown. I'm sure you've heard that before. I don't believe he causes the pain, I believe we live in a fallen, sinful world. When I look back I can see Him there, I can see Him SO clearly there with me while I was weeping that it's like a picture in my mind. I couldn't always feel Him when I walked through those things but He was there. You can believe this too, He was NOT up in Heaven pacing around at my distress. I believe he grieved with me but He was always the same. Thank you GOD for that! For your sameness. It's one of my favorite things about Him that makes me want to weep with joy when I think on it because it means no matter how out of control I feel HE never is. Let me tell you something "...because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed..." He will never let life consume us if we give Him our burden and open our heart to Him. And that brilliant sun? It will be there. His mercies are new every morning.
I see His hand so clearly when I think about my life as a whole. He has kept me from making so many stupid mistakes even when the door was WIDE open for me to make them, even when I never really had a reason for not doing them since I was lost. He put me with people who walked through the dark places with me and helped me come out on the other side of teenagerhood healthy and whole. He has blessed me with the most amazing husband in the world. Let me tell you about this guy for a minute. He is perfect for me. He sharpens me when I need it, loves me like I have never been loved by anyone other than Jesus and has this incredible patience with my craziness that has to come from the Lord! He carries the heavy things and lives every day of his life thinking about how to make my life and the lives of our children better. He is the best man I have ever known and my closest friend. Then there are my boys. My beautiful make-me-want-to-cry with happiness little guys. Jace who is my mini me, which most times that fact makes me crazy because in most ways he's...well me! He is amazing though that little guy, he is bold, has no trouble making his petitions KNOWN, doesn't let ANYONE stand in his way and has the sweetest softest heart. He is forever making me heart melt by randomly telling me he loves me. Ryker...is pure sweetness with a temper! Yes it's possible to be both those things. He is such a deep thinker even at 2 and loves on me and anyone else who is around him all day long. He is a funny, crazy smart, still-waters-run deep kinda guy with these huge chocolate eyes.
There are so many other blessings He has given me that I don't deserve (so many that it would make this very long if I listed them, the biggest not listed being my wonderful amazing friends, you know who you are!). Things that would NEVER have come to be if not for Him in my life.
I just want to leave you with this...please let Him be your strength, your portion. His love for you is so great and deep it can't ever be fully known on this earth with our finite minds. Believe in the sun even when you are standing in a darkness so deep you feel you will never come out of it. It will be there because of Him, and even if you don't know it in the midst of your sadness He is there too holding you and guiding you to a new morning where it will be shining so brightly you will need sunglasses :)